I HATE YOU!!

Buckle up, dear readers. This is going to be LONG and full of too much information for some of you. I HAVE to purge this shit, it’s been eating me alive.

I have so much hate in my body for you, it reaches from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. It is in every fiber of my being!

Why? Why do I hate you so much?

Because the one thing you left over (my lies to you), the one thing you said you could never forgive and could never trust me again were lies.

But I lived with YOUR lies from the very beginning, the lies you told me and everyone else to cover the things that you had done. I compounded those lies you told by re-telling them to everyone we met.

I even lied to my children and that drove them away from me for too many years! I HATE YOU WITH EVERYTHING IN ME! And I will never forgive you for the things you convinced me to do, made me think they were MY ideas.

Ya know what? Those thing, although the absolute most difficult things I have ever done, I did them anyway because I LOVED YOU! And you have the nerve to tell me you didn’t ever lie to me, that you didn’t ever lie to anyone. I call bullshit!

One of your first lies I can remember was that you had stopped going to the massage parlor and seeing your masseuse Kennedy (yes, I remember her name), ya know the one that gave you a happy ending massage, after we got together. When money came up missing and I asked you about it, you told me that you had made an extra payment on my ring so we could get it paid off sooner. LIE! I called the jeweler and asked, and they gave me a clear run-down of every fucking payment that had been paid. ALL on the due date with no extra payments ever made.

Then there was the new job opportunity for you to drive a limo. You went to that interview and came home FIVE FUCKING HOURS LATER so drunk you stumbled 4 times coming up the damn stairs. You explained it away as they were celebrating your employment. Funny … you didn’t “take the job cause it didn’t pay enough”.

Next was YOU planting the idea of exploring me being bi-sexual. Yeah, we’d had a conversation about me having had limited encounters when I was in jail (don’t freak out on me now, my loves), and from that conversation YOU became obsessed with the swingers lifestyle. You searched the area we were living in with a fine-tooth comb for “house parties” and people to “play” with.

No matter how many fucking times I told you I was uncomfortable in a situation, you pressed me to give it a chance and try to have fun. So, we sat down and made a set of rules and boundaries by which WE were going to do this. The biggest one for you was no male penetration for me (I STILL don’t understand this limit. It was ok for YOU to get your dick wet anyway you could, but I was limited to oral sex with another guy) and mine was I ALWAYS had to KNOW WHERE YOU WERE, you had to be where I COULD SEE WHAT YOU WERE DOING. (Yes, I admit it, I used to like watching live porn)

Remember the party we went to, and YOU agreed to without talking to me, to split up and change partners to drive to this party we were going to? I told you I didn’t want to do that, and I didn’t feel comfortable going somewhere with a man I had just met. But you talked me into it, promised me nothing would happen, it was only a short drive, and you would follow in our car (with his wife in our car with you). I gave in to what you wanted as usual and sat as close to the damn car door as I could without be on the outside of a moving vehiclele. Once we got to our destination and were back together, you had a wet spot on the front of your pants that you explained away by spilling your bottle of water. Expect, fun fact here, NEITHER OF YOU HAD A BOTTLE F WATER, or anything else to drink. FUCK! I WAS SO STUPID!!!

Then we move to Maryland and the hunt for party time was on again. You obsessively searched for more house parties, even joined us up on the local websites for swingers. We met a lot of people, made some friends (one that no matter what you do will ALWAYS be in MY corner) and continued to swing our way through life.

Do you remember the night we were at the club and I walked up to you to find you getting a blow-job behind the half wall? Yeah, I could see you from across the mostly empty club, but I couldn’t see the complete stranger that was on the floor with your dick in her mouth. When I asked, you calmly replied “she asked and I couldn’t say no”. Yeah, I didn’t speak to you for the rest of the night or for a couple of days after. But you sure as hell made sure to stay glued to my side for the rest of that night.

Do you remember being at a club and you found someone you wanted to talk to and see if she would click with us? You had been stalking their (yes she was married but “played” separately away from her partner) lifestyle profile to try to learn as much as you could about her. I told you I wasn’t interested in her at all, I just didn’t get a good vibe from her profile. But, you once again didn’t listen to me and did what you thought was best that would get your dick wet.

When we got to the club, she was there at a table almost as soon as you walked in the door. You told me you were going to go talk to her, I said AGAIN I wasn’t interested in her and went to talk to some of the female friends I had made. When you had talked to her enough that you knew things were gonna get wild, you came looking for me and found me sitting on the knee of the husband of one of our friends (you knew him too but didn’t like him much. I think he intimidated you). He had his right hand on my right boob OVER my shirt and you went balistic. Stormed over asking WTF I thought I was doing and we left rather quickly after that. And all the way home I heard about how I had embarrassed YOU and how I didn’t follow our rules. Ummm, sitting on another man’s lap with his hand on my fully covered boob was not breaking our rules, jackass.

And I am not going to get into how many times I left all our shit behind when we moved. You always placated me by telling me I would be able to replace it with more and better. Some things aren’t replaceable, like the ONLY pictures I had of my dad and his guns we left in MI (Oh that’s right, you weren’t supposed to be around weapons of any kind. Because you know, those lies we told about your past), or my great grandmothers antique cedar chest, or the box of photos of my kids when they were younger and of MY family and friends, my brother sent to me after my Mom died that were left in the shed in NC. I guess since they had no meaning for you, they weren’t important. Or the other “material” things you worked so damn hard to provide me with. Yeah, more of your lies and broken promises.

Let’s skip forward a few years … you are now driving a big truck over the road and away from home at least 2 weeks at a time. Three times over the course of a few years, you asked me if we could afford to give money to random women I had never met, BUT you had. These women worked in the truck stops you frequented, and you had developed a “friendship” as you called it, with them. Ya know, just innocent shit when you stopped in for fuel or were parked for the night. Every time, EVERY FUCKING TIME you asked me about our finances, I told you how much we had that wasn’t slated for the bills and household upkeep, and you gave these STRANGERS money!

Then there was Michelle, who worked at the Pilot Truckstop in Wytheville, VA. You kept telling me she was just a friend, that she knew you were married and nothing ever happened. You even called her and asked her to come and have dinner with you, but she told you she lived over 30 minutes away and already had plans for the night. Just a “friend, huh” Yeah, OK. But you asked if you could give her money, she was a single parent, and it was Christmas time, and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. You did give her money to help her give her son a good Christmas.

The thing I find entertaining here is after this happened, I went back in the truck with you for an extended time. You never once stopped at that truckstop while I was with you. You either went to the one across the highway where you said you never stopped or on up the road to the the Love’s “because they had cleaner showers”. However the next time I was in the truck with you all of a sudden that Pilot was where we had to stop, all the damn time.

First time we stopped there, one of Michelle’s co-workers came up to you (Michelle had quit working there and you found this out when I was at home and not in the truck so you thought it would be safe to stop there now) and either didn’t see me standing right behind you, didn’t know who I was to you or just didn’t fucking care. Because she lit into you like the building was on fire. She wanted to know where you had been, Michelle was heartbroken after you ghosted her after all the promises you had made to her. You stood there and kept telling her you had made no promises to Michelle, she knew you were “happily” married and that you only thought of Michelle as a friend. That was the last time we stopped at that Pilot for a while.

Let’s fast forward again, it’s Covid, and together we decide it’s best for me to come with you in the truck and self isolate that way. For almost a year, I’m in the truck with you, we spend every minute of every day together, except when we stop for fuel or showers or food. You alone would go into the truckstops (except for showers) and I stayed in the truck because it was safer for me. During this time we talked about EVERYTHING, we argued, we fought but we always made things right between us. We even had sex in the truck, more than we’d had since the beginning of our relationship. I felt like we were together on everything again, but somewhere along the way everything was lost.

Then we decided to buy a house, you even got approval for a great mortgage, and we started looking. We talked about where to live because we wanted to be somewhere we could easily visit the grands. One in NC and 4 in TX. We started looking at places in TN that would be almost the halfway point between the grands. You wanted close to a lake or body of water where you could fish, I didn’t have a preference. But everything we found was too expensive. We could afford a piece of land but nothing with a house on it. Then we talked about buying land and putting a camper on it until we could afford to build. That didn’t work out either.

Together (or so I thought) we decided to sell our Explorer and buy a truck so we could buy a travel trailer. This would let us move our house and your base of operation for home time with Big G every six months. This way we would be able to spend time in NC with Ravyn and then time in TX with the girls there. However, it didn’t work out that way. I found out you didn’t actually want the camper, that you gave in to me because you felt I was manipulating you. I honestly thought this was a joint decision.

After I had surgery on my left knee and you made it through the health scare that had you out of work for 7 or 8 weeks, things rapidly changed between us. Little did I know you had already formed an emotional attachment to someone else. And even though it took me a bit to figure it all out, I still loved you with every fiber of my being. I would have forgiven all your lies and all the cheating both emotional and physical. But by then you had your exit plan in place.

I was off your company insurance and strictly on Medicare. You manipulated me into staying somewhere I didn’t want to be, and you manipulated me into letting someone else go in the big truck with you. You denied me time after time of me begging you to let me spend the night in the truck with you when you were on your weekend home time (it took me a while but I finally figured out it was all because you didn’t want me in the same bed where you had fucked T), saying it took too much to bring all my shit I’d need to spend the night. You manipulated me into promising I would be 100% honest with you even though you had no plans to do the same.

At the same time I was making promises to you, you were setting up your next relationship. You BOTH lied straight to my face every fucking day! I begged and pleaded with you to give me one more final chance. And then I broke my word to you and killed my final chance. You couldn’t wait to walk away. Because you already had your next “love of your life” lined up and just waiting for you.

I honestly feel sorry for her. You are doing to her exactly the same things you did to me . And even though you claim to be a Godly man, go to church, listen to Christian music and read your Bible every day, you haven’t changed. You are lying to yourselves, to your friends, to your pastor and to God. Your relationship is not blessed by God, you are breaking every one of His commandments (and don’t you DARE try to justify your actions by saying the commandments were old law and Jesus coming changed all that. Jesus plainly states in Matthew 14:15 to KEEP the commandments) by living with and being in a sexual relationship while still married to me.

A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES HIS SPOTS, so no matter how you spin your life, no matter how you dress it up, you are still the same pathetic narcissist that knows how to manipulate and sweet-talk his supply to get what he wants until it’s time to move on. I KNEW this was how our relationship would end if I didn’t die before it ended. It’s how ALL of your relationships end. I had hope and prayed this one would be different …

Don’t worry about me coming for you, Karma is already working Her magic and it’s going to be wonderful to see how she makes you pay and how far you fall. I’ve got the popcorn ready …

YES, I HATE YOU WITH EVERY PART OF ME!! But I feel 100% better after purging this and you from my soul.