My Man, My WARRIOR!

Hello, my darling Chaos Gremlins. It’s a bit of a challenge to sit here and write this morning, but write I must. At the same time this post is being created, my Man, my Life, my True Soul Mate is sitting in a chair in California undergoing another round of chemotherapy, and I am here in Texas. I HATE that I’m not there with him and that he is doing this alone.

But, I am following his wishes for this round of treatment (even though my heart and soul are crying to be by his side).

I met this amazing man when I was 16 and he was 17. We were completely inseparable, even though we lived on opposite sides of Tucson. I can’t even begin to explain our relationship to you. It was perfect, it was intense, it was real love, even though some would say otherwise. Yes, we heard it all … we were too young to know what love meant, we had our whole lives in front of us.

All of the negatives we heard daily didn’t matter to us, though. We knew what we had and what we meant to each other, and we made future plans accordingly. We were happy.

We went to different high schools, but every other minute of every day we were connected. Either in person, going to church together, going to the movies, getting a burger, or going to church summer camp for a week in Prescott. If we weren’t physically together, we spent countless hours on the phone. Talking, discussing, making plans.

I still remember his high school graduation as if it were yesterday. I was so proud of him! I was so honored to be his guest at such an important occasion. He even handed me his cap and gown after everything was finished, much to the chagrin of his family who were also there. But he only had eyes for me that day. And many other days as well.

After graduation, he went off to serve our country. When he came home on leave after boot camp, he brought someone he considered his friend with him. It turns out this guy wasn’t much of a friend at all. Gods! I was SO excited and happy beyond belief to see him again. I hated being separated from my guy. But I really did understand his commitment and never once tried to talk him out of going.

While he was in boot camp, I continued as we did before he left. I went to classes every day, and I went to church the same as if we were going together. I even sat in our same pew. I kept every promise I had made to him, so he could be reassured I was safe while he was away and could completely concentrate on the things he needed to graduate from boot camp and be assigned to his new duty station afterwards.

Then he came home … his leave was for 2 weeks. Again, we fell into the same perfect routine. Except this time we had a tag-along and trouble was brewing, even though we had no idea how our world was going to implode.

Two days before my Man was to leave to report back to his new duty station, the friend cornered me while we were at the Desert Museum with my best friend at the time, Teri. The four of us had been having a great time during the two weeks they were home on leave, Teri really liked the guy, even though I wasn’t as comfortable around him as maybe I could have been. When he got me alone, he said things to me, told me things about my guy I could never have ever dreamed of. These things he said about my Guy, my Man devastated me!

At the end of that day, after we dropped Teri off at her house and my Guy got me safely home, I broke up with him with no explanation. I gave him back the promise ring he had gotten me, I didn’t ask any questions, I didn’t confront him about the things I had been told. I just told him I didn’t want to see him again. I didn’t come out of my room for a full week, didn’t go to school, didn’t go to church. Just shut completely down. I refused his phone calls, I wouldn’t see him when he came to my house, I didn’t even say goodbye when he left to fulfill his military duty.

My WARRIOR has been through hell in the past 53 years! He went to war, he came home with an honorable discharge. He’s been a musician playing in a band in California, he’s been a paramedic and fire fighter for the city of Los Angeles. He’s been a set medic for MANY movies and TV series. He’s had a full and productive life. And I am SO damn proud of the things he has accomplished.

But now he’s fighting another battle and I’m not with him to comfort him. It’s killing me, even though he’s been through this same treatment numerous times, and he assures me that he’s going to be fine. I have to believe him on this. He’s been through the same exact thing before, but I don’t have to like it at all. But I trust him and I trust the love we have rekindled after all of these years. He’s going to be fine …

And then when I go to LA next week we will be able to spend a week together, exploring the sights and sounds. He says he has so many things he wants to share with me, places that he has been and fallen in love with. It’s just like it was before all those many years ago.

We are connected and always have been, even after all this time and through all the things we have been through separately. He’s always been in my heart, and in my mind. There isn’t a day that has gone by that I didn’t think of him, even through all my failed relationships.

We are now where we always should have been, together, connected, and whole once more. So as he’s sitting in that chair, having those chemicals pumped through his veins, he’s holding a piece of me close to him. It’s comforting him even though I’m not next to him … this time.

Stay strong my WARRIOR! And come back to me. I love you with everything I have and will ever be.

You Are MINE!!